(unknown)

Okay so this is just a post that I just want to vent (I guess that's the word I am looking for). I just want to talk. That's all. So I am at my grandmother's new apartment visiting her. I have been here for over a week now. I am bored and I totally lost my train of thought and don't know what I was going to write about. So I think from here I will just write the first things that pop into my head. Okay here we go. I am sitting at the computer my two cousins are in the room with me, one on the floor watching Superbad on my ipod and the other sitting at a table writing some stuff. Since I got out the hospital I have been keeping a journal and I try to write in it everyday, but sometimes at my grandma's house I can't sit down and write in it, because I am always dong something for her and se is very nosy always wanting to know what anyone is doing. I can't even use the bathroom or take a shower in privacy. Come to think of it I never have in her home. Well I know this is short at this point I am going to log off, before she comes in her and starts wanting to know what I am doing. And please don't get me wrong I love her very much.

Well I have to go...NOW!

luv u guys

~TCE

Life In Admission

SO I have no belongings and there are only 2 other kids there, one of which really does have mental issues cuz he doesn't even talk, just makes noises although he looks normal. And another girl is there, one of the ladies at the desk said "she's in the same boat as you". She was my roomie, but I didn't quite know wat the lady meant by that. I didn't quite like that lady anyways, because is was like she was being judgmental of me. You know what she asked me, well of course you don't know, never mind. She asked me, " Do you always wear you're hair like that, or did you just not brush it today." I had straightened my hair and well becuase I am mixed I don't use that grease stuff black people use in their hair, nor do i use a perm. Ijust wash it then straighten it(after it's dry of course). This lady was black by the way. And I'm just like that is kind of rude, considering the fact that I did do my hair. I had it in a braid on the side where my bangs are, I can't explain it any better than that. But was shocked at her question, but I was like there are many rude people out there in this world. So I get in my room wichis so bare and big and I just hated it. I go in the bathroom to take my shower and it is completely disgusting, the floor is puddled with water, becuase the shower doesnt even have a little wall to block the water it'sd just a floor with a drain and there is no drain in the floor outside of the shower so there is water every where. So I get another wash cloth and towel and a bar of soap and I try my best to clean it up and try to get some of the water up, but it just completely soaks the towels I put down. I take my shower then I look around the room a bit and I make my bed and get in it, I have extreme OCD, Imake my bed before getting in it if it's not done, and it usually isn't done becuase I have to position everything, so that I am comfortable. Well I open the curtains too on the window, but some lady closes them when she checked on us, that pissed me off so I open them back again. I was awake the next day at like a quarter to six. I always get up early, I just don't always get out the bed. But the lady comes in at like six to take my vitals and I'm about ready to get out of the room, because it so so depressing to be in that room.Well me and my roomie never talked and dhe got there the same day I did earlier in the day and she was gone by lunch time, so was the other kid. That pissed me off. I wanted out too. I had finals to take. And so I pretty much spent the rest of that day to myself. The next day at lunch a boy my age came. He was in there for anger. They transfered him from juvie, what they called Metro, which is probably the name of it, IDK. So yea and later on that night a little girl came and she was like 11. She was so precious and innocent. We called her 'Little One'. She was in there for suicide. She was cutting her wrists with a key. She lived in a group home and she was depressed becuase her parents never showed her an affection and her mom tried to kill her. So that must be hard. Well as the days past a couple people kept showing up. two girls left the same day they got there. When I left it there were 3 girls and 2 boys, not counting me. I got attached to Little One and the boy that came in for anger. The other boy was in for suicide, he tried to hang himself, but instead of the rope getting his neck it got him by the arm and he was hanging from the tree yelling and whatnot. And the other girls were in for suicide as well. One was bi, she liked me and both boys like me as well (as inmore than friends kinda like). Well I miss Little One and I said I would visit her at her group homw and we would hang out, she was like a sister to me, I felt the need to protect her. I called her group home and they said I had to contact her case worker in order to be accepted onto her calling list, but I don't have her case worker's number or comtact info, I don't even know her name. That doesn't help, nor do I have Little One's last name. She said she didn't know it. I think she doesn't want anything to do with her parents. She said they were dead to her. I can understand her pain though. Well I am going to try and see if I can contact her. I might just show up at her group home, and see what they say. I mean I'm a kid and they can monitor my visit with her. Right? Well I really miss her and I promised her we would hang out. And I keep my promises, even though it's been forever. I hope she hasn't forgotten me. She probably hasn't so I will go now.

~TCE

Admission

Hello again. After my fiasco-like convo...WHOA! I didn't even finish up telling you what happened with my phone call to the suicide hotline. So the guy finally said that he wanted to sspeak to my mom and then I am like freaking out cuz I didn't want to wake my mom, because I didn't know how she would react. I thought maybe she would be upset. So I am like bawling on the phone and the guy was like I can either give my mom the phone or he will have to send the police out to my house. I did NOT want that to happen, becuase I was absolutely tired of the police. So yeah, it took me forever to give my mom the phone, I just went in the room and woke her up and said the phone was for her. So she talked to him for a few minutes and then hung up and then, she comes in my room and we talk a bit, she asks me what's wrong and whatnot and I tell her, I'm all skeptical becuase I hate it when she uses stuff that I tell her against me when she gets frustrated, so I don't want to tell her anything, although I would like to be able to talk to her without her doing that. She asks me if I wanna go to school that day, but even though I didn't i told her I had to go becuase, I will freak if I don't, my history grade was totally in jeopardy missing a day of class could end up in some mean results. Also I have perfect attendance. So I got to school and I freak during my presentation, but completely glad when it's over. I get home and mom calls while she is on her way to work and says to get dressed. I'm so confused, wondering where could we be going. It's Tuesday ( my bad in the last post I just remembered that it was tuesday not monday, there was no school on monday). So yea, I get ready and we get in the car, I thought we night be going to church cuz we were heading in that direction, but we were in the car for like ever, we were in Atlanta and I'm like where are we going. So we arrive at Riverwoods Psychiatric Hospital. Great Just What I need, to be around other crazy people. How is that supposed to help. I obviously have a problem with other people knowing that I have problems, well not really becuase I am totally letting it out right now to the entire world to read. So well it took us forever to get me in there. And my parents leave me there with absolutely no belongings. That's just great....

~TCE

OH MY EFFING GOSH!

Okay, so I have soooooooo much catching up to do, I don't even know where to begin, okay maybe I do a little...I can't remember my last post thought well I will start off saying, I think since my last post I was admi...Oh wait I don't want to start there. Okay so it was like the weekend and I was supposed to have finished my paper for my World history project, even though I totally explained to my partner that he would write all four pages and I would do an extra page and a half. So He misunderstood and he only did like 2 and half pages. So I am totally pissed becuase it's due the next day and Not only do I have to write these stupid pages, but I have to finish my entire visual. And those pages I was going to write weren't really necassary but the more info the better. I was soooo pissed and had so many panic attacks. I didn't know what to do. Thankfully we were to go on the very last day, and ended up going that next monday. And I was freaking out beacuse I didn't think my visual was all that great. And my partner decides he wants to make som video so we have that and all. And well the day before we had to present it was Sunday, and I was just freaking out, I didn't want to do our presentation and I was just a complete and utterly a stressed out mess. I was just totally through with school, so knowing me, I'm all suicidal at this point I like wanted to kill myself but I was tired so I went to bed, then I woke at 4 am and ate a PB & J sandwhich (I know I'm being really specific, but my LUUURVE details). Then I get the phone and go out on our patio, cuz I'm so paranoid and I think people can hear me and whatnot and a lot of times my mom is quite the light sleeper. So I'm sitting down, indian style, and I call the infamous, jk, 1-800-SUICIDE. I mean this is America, there is a 1 800 number for everything. At this point I wasn't really too suicidal, but I knew that later as my World History class would get closer by the hour, then minutes, then seconds, I would totally want to kill myself regardless if it is at school or not. But at this very moment I'm absolutely terrified. When the guy answers the phone. So they ask me for all my info and then they ask me why I called, so I'm like this is a suicide line, why else do you think I called, I just called for some reassurance or something. I really don't even know why I called, although some might think I called to get out of doing my presentation (totally not the case). Well then they transfer me to someone near where I live and they are talking to me and asking me about if i ever attempted suicude and I'm like yes and if I had a plan, I didn't have plan. So I tell them about how I'm on Zoloft and I see a shrink, although I've missed so many appointments. I really need to get back to them. And for the record, my history of suicude attempts would consist of: cutting on my upper inner thigh (where no one could see, but later moved to myy wrists), I have drunk household cleaners such as amonia (they say I'm lucky to even be alive, althoug you shouldn't say something like that to someone whose goal was to die), and I have overdosed on meds, I've taken on several occasions 6 or 8 (I hate odd numbers, I have OCD) of my prescription ADD meds, and 16 painkillers, and once it was either 8 or 6 painkillers and I used to take meds for sleeping so I took 2 of those and tried to drown myself in the tub, I was already sleepy and I filled the tub first or atleast tried to, but I fell asleep before I even got in the tub (yes you can say I'm an idiot for not taking the pills after getting in the tub, or you can even say that I am anidiot for even trying to commit suicude. I still get suicidal thoughts becuase my mom is really driving me crazy, and I mean it. So I am going to stop with this post and move on to the next one to fill you guys in on the events that I failed to share with you.

~TCE

Hey Hey

Hello.
Sorry I haven't posted anything in like forever. School is so effing hard. Well, I just got off the phone with my best friend that I haven't spoken to in like forever because of our busy lives. Aren't all of our lives busy? But I stil feel like I should always find time for my friends. Well. I am excited about my moving to New Jersey. I think I may join a band in Rochester, New York. I will just have to travel all of the time to get there. I am excited. Also sad, becuase I feel like I am leaving behind some great memories and bad, but that is a part of life. And I can always visit them, right? Well not much really happened this week, but everything seems to be working out for me right now, when I felt like everything was going completely wrong. I do actually have a chance at passing my classes that I am not doing to well in. YEA! That is totally ah-mazing, God is really awesome! I love Him so much. Thank You Lord! *smiles goofily* Well I think I will go now, because the onlything not working out in my favor is the fact that my mom seems to always find ten billion things for me to do on Saturdays and I really need this time to focus on my school work.
I also wrote another song. Yea
Well I will go now. See ya.

~TCE

P.S. The Paramore concert was last night. Too bad I couldn't go. Oh, well. I really do need to go and get my stuff done before my parents come home from work. Although I know I will get distracted so extremely easily like I am now. My mom left at like 10am and its God knows what time. Later
Im signing off now...

Long Time, "No See"...

Hello. Sorry I haven't been keeping up with my blog daily. I am really stressed, but it really helps my stress to blog. Gosh I contradict myself so much. So I totally missed my appointement with my shrink this morning because my mom and I forgot I guess. Maybe she didn't forget and I left the house before she could day anything. Oh well. But the fact that I forgot really messed up my day. I really like seeing my shrink because he actually listens. I am one of those people who are always giving acvice and whatnot to others and putting my ideas and sometimes thoughts but no one listens. It's like no one cares about what I have to say about anything. I guess that's why I blog. Bloggers want to be heard and thats why they blog and ask people to read them. It's like a diary for me to let everything out to all anonymous people and people can post their commentaries on my entries. Well I really don't know what to do at this point. Did I mention that last Friday I freaked out on my mom. I was like screaming at her. She really didn't do anything to provoke it. I guess I was having a panic attack and she was around me and I just blew up. I had never yelled at her or anyone before, not like that. I was literally screaming at the top of my lungs and one of our neighbors called the cops cuase they thought something was really going wrong. Okay so I get to live with my cousin in Newark, New Jersey. She is a teacher for 10th grade Biology. I can't wait. I think I will stay here in Georgia until August before I go so I can spend my 16th birthday with my friends. I just hope I don't do anything to keep me here any longer. I have a court date on the 10th of June because of my shoplifting. *cringe*. My shrink said thatmy brain is probably undergoing something called dissociation. Something like that. I really wish I could forget about that incident. I am really ashamed of it. It wasn't even my intention, it just kinda happened. Well enough abou that. There is this teacher who is very good looking. I almost thought he was a student. He has some blog for this organization thing you should check it out at www.joshbruce.theworldrace.org. He really is gorgeous. He's tall and with a faux-hawk, too bad he is married. LOL. Well I am going to go now because I have stupid projects for school to worry about.
~TCE

I'm back...

Okay so I am going to reveal a secret of mine of which I've only told one person about. I wouldn't consider myself bulimic, b/c my mom is big on the no privacy thing even when I'm in the bathroom. I am short with a very muscular build, but I've got a very nice body. But my mom says things about my size and she makes me feel large for some reason, I've just got really large and muscular legs thats what running an playing soccer will do. So I took up throwing up cuz I just can't not eat, not that I love food but also b/c she will suspect something. So, I find myself not throwing up b/c she hates it when I'm in the bathroom too long. But I actually find myself having to take a crap after I eat anyways ( I know TMI, but it's the truth, besides I'm only human). I'm not taking laxatives any more (it was prescribed, but i never really took it anyways, I hated it) But still, I guess you could say I have a problem. I never throw up at school, it takes too log for starters and bathroom is gross, but of course that wouldn't even stop me, even with my OCD. Well I'm going to go now...
thanx for listening
~TCE

Random

Hmmm. Okay Is this not one weird sooap dispenser? It's very sickening...ish. I've actually seen a weirder one though.

Anyways about my weekend since I haven't been on. It was interesting. I'll just leave it at that. A lot of dramarama, but that's okay. Having drama in life is actually what makes life so interesting. Who wants a plain ol' boring life with no excitement and arguments and issues? I mean I would probably die of boredom if my life wasn't filled with drama. A lot of times I think to myself that my life isn't really interesting, but everyone's life is interesting if your look from someone else's view, because they haven't gone through what you have in life. Well, thanks fro stopping my and reading about my craziness and whatnot.

~TCE

PS I've always wanted to write a book on my life. Maybe I can just keep on bosting these things and eventually turn all of my posts into a book.

PPS Sorry almost forgot to mention that I think I want to write a new song called "Standing Naked in my Bathroom Mirror"...It will be kinda literal but idk. anyways...I'm going for good...atleast for this post, I may be back later. buh-bye

Another Random Moment...

Okay so yesterday I found a four-leaf clover the first time I looked down at the grass. I was outside waiting for someone and my wandering eyes just seemed to drift to the ground! Yea. I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be if I ever found one. It was my first. Also me and some friends yesterday were talking and they were telling me about how they know a guy named Lord Almighty Johnson. I thought that was interesting, and we talked abut religion and life and whatnot and the movie Superbad, which I love. Well for a random thought post I sure am rambling on as usual so I'll stop now.

TTYL
~The Chocolate Eclair

Random Moment...

Okay today is National Prayer day, the first thursday of May. I just thought I would put that out there. Right now I should be doind my math quiz, in which I am utterly confused about. Oh, well I am passing the class anyways, unlike my fellow classmates. This was just a random thought that I had On A Whim and thought I'd share with you.

TTYL
~The Chocolate Eclair

I Made It Through Another Day!

Okay so I starting off my day today with a little pep in my step, hopefully the coffee helped a little bit. School *hmmm* it's not easy, but whatever happens will happen and I'll be okay. I know God is on my side and he will help me get through this life so that I can move onto the next one. I was thinking the other day about the beginning of time and how Eve was the first to sin. (Argh! Why do us women have to be so stubborn?) Well, we were supposed to have eternal life to begin with. Right? But beacuse of sin, that all fell down the drain and we now have to deal with this life first. So I thought, well since we were supposed to have eternal life to begin with, Earth must have already been Heaven, because in the Bible it says how after Adam and Eve sinned, they ran when they heard God walking through the garden , because they knew they did wrong. Because in Heaven you will be living with God, and this could have only been possible if Earth was once Heaven, but now we have a better Heaven to look forward to. Well this is only my depiction of this. And that's all she wrote.

This is The Chocolate Elair signing off...

Dear God,

So, I totally am having an okay day so far, I just am really worried about my passing Honors World History. I currently have a 60 and I automatically get 5 extra points, so that leaves me with a 65. If I can bring my grade up to atleast 6 points then I'll be good, cause then I will have a 76 which is a good thing. I'm not worried about the Hope Scholarship not counting those extra points. I have no idea why I struggle so much. It's not like I don't try (according to the 'rents), I just freak out and am too afraid to speak up and ask for help. When I need help, I need someone to teach it to me until I understand completely. I don't like it when you ask for help and the teacher goes, what do you need help on, in my case I don't even understand what I need help on. That's my problem. And in my Chemistry class, my teacher says we have to ask a question properly, I can not do that, beacuse I really suck at trying to explain myself in a good worded question. I gues also it's because I am too afraid to ask 'you know who' to stay after school. She is so skeptical and thinking I'm always being sneaky, when I'm not. I'm not as sneaky as the 'rents think I am. *sigh* I know that she was once a teenager, they all were. And I know that she did 'those things' with her friends and all. I don't want to do any of that stuff, and I know I am a good person with good intentions (I kust have a hard time believing it for myself). Yeah, I know I shoplifted, it was wrong and very stupid of me. She thinks I planned it, but I didn't. I really didn't know what was going through my head (although the 'rents don't believe that). Trust me I'm no juvenile and You know that. I just happen to want to have things for my personal enjoyment, not because I want to be like other people. I wish people would understand that. I don't belong in this kind of school. I belong in a school where students strive to be different from one another (meaning a school for the 'gifted'). I want to be different more than anything (and of course I am *chuckle*). And I want people tp see that I'm different and appreciate it. Okay not necessarily appreciate, but not necessarily admire or adore, which is what I was going to stay. I want people to recognize it and not give me any crap about it. I want people to let me be myself and express myself and not to be judgemental. If I don't confine (I think that's the right word, maybe adapt) to what's supposedly 'in', then don't try and change me. I don't care about the 'in' styles of today. I love to dress like I'm in the 80's with a crazy, hippie, unique, green (meaning earth-friendly) kind of twang. I love my style. In fact, I j'adore it. I just love showing it off too. *smile* I am not a follower, but I am a leader. Heck, I was born a leader, I just have certain things about me that show I have low self-esteem, which makes me seem all too much like a follower. Yes, I have low self-esteem, but I hide it very well. And I am one of those girls who would be hard to catch her when she has her guard down. Once again the 'rents would definetely disagree on this one. Oh, well. All that matters is that I know me better than anyone else, except God of course, and no one can tell me otherwise.

Dear God,

Okay, so I am cery confused, although I'm trying not to be, I am still very confused...about what...my Chemistry homework? What to do right now as I sit here at this lunch table all by my lonesome (although I an writing this at the moment so I am doing somehing)? Okay so scartch that one...I guess I am confused about life. But who isn't? Everyone has a right because we don't understand it. All we want to do is be selfish and enjoy our wordly possessions...idolatry. Yes. I admit it. I find myself wanting enjoyment through worldly things rather than seeking enjoyment in talking to You and worhipping You. Life is hard, yeah we all know that, but that's what makes it so interesting. I'm actually glad You have allowed hardships in our lives, because without them we wouldn't need You. Am I not correct. I just wish I would stop screwing up, and making 'you know who' so angry at me all the time. And I can't stand it when people accuse me of things I don't do. Most of the time when I tell the truth people think I'm lying, it's frustrating. Like I know I'm a 'virgin' and 'drug-free' and not 'alcoholic' and stuff, but for some reason I give people the impression that I do all of that stuff. I am totally against and You know that. I mean it's not right for people to judge me even if i did those things, but fortunately for me, I don't and I don't ever plan on doing them, at least I will some of them only legally; not the part about 'drugs'.
And that's all she wrote.

This is The Chocolate Eclair signing off...

Hola/Salve/Hello

So this is the first post of this blog. Welcome everyone and hope you enjoy the interesting and crazy lives of some of the members of The Bob Squad, if not all. We are best friends who love Jesus and hanging out with each other and having fun. We will always be there for each other no matter what. If you want to be part of the The Bob Squad, you have to contact myself and we can maybe get you a bracelet, but you have to actually earn the privelege of being one of us, meaning we need to be able to trust you and you must be a loyal friend. Also we don't allow backstabbing and all that jazz. We are all Jesus Freaks, but we don't judge based on how you live your life although we will try and get you to find Christ. Well, I think that's all I have to say about our crazy new blog (or soon to be carzy blog). Ok so now I think I will stop typing now because I am just bablbling on and on and on. And that's all she wrote.

This is The Chocolate Eclair signing off...