Life In Admission

SO I have no belongings and there are only 2 other kids there, one of which really does have mental issues cuz he doesn't even talk, just makes noises although he looks normal. And another girl is there, one of the ladies at the desk said "she's in the same boat as you". She was my roomie, but I didn't quite know wat the lady meant by that. I didn't quite like that lady anyways, because is was like she was being judgmental of me. You know what she asked me, well of course you don't know, never mind. She asked me, " Do you always wear you're hair like that, or did you just not brush it today." I had straightened my hair and well becuase I am mixed I don't use that grease stuff black people use in their hair, nor do i use a perm. Ijust wash it then straighten it(after it's dry of course). This lady was black by the way. And I'm just like that is kind of rude, considering the fact that I did do my hair. I had it in a braid on the side where my bangs are, I can't explain it any better than that. But was shocked at her question, but I was like there are many rude people out there in this world. So I get in my room wichis so bare and big and I just hated it. I go in the bathroom to take my shower and it is completely disgusting, the floor is puddled with water, becuase the shower doesnt even have a little wall to block the water it'sd just a floor with a drain and there is no drain in the floor outside of the shower so there is water every where. So I get another wash cloth and towel and a bar of soap and I try my best to clean it up and try to get some of the water up, but it just completely soaks the towels I put down. I take my shower then I look around the room a bit and I make my bed and get in it, I have extreme OCD, Imake my bed before getting in it if it's not done, and it usually isn't done becuase I have to position everything, so that I am comfortable. Well I open the curtains too on the window, but some lady closes them when she checked on us, that pissed me off so I open them back again. I was awake the next day at like a quarter to six. I always get up early, I just don't always get out the bed. But the lady comes in at like six to take my vitals and I'm about ready to get out of the room, because it so so depressing to be in that room.Well me and my roomie never talked and dhe got there the same day I did earlier in the day and she was gone by lunch time, so was the other kid. That pissed me off. I wanted out too. I had finals to take. And so I pretty much spent the rest of that day to myself. The next day at lunch a boy my age came. He was in there for anger. They transfered him from juvie, what they called Metro, which is probably the name of it, IDK. So yea and later on that night a little girl came and she was like 11. She was so precious and innocent. We called her 'Little One'. She was in there for suicide. She was cutting her wrists with a key. She lived in a group home and she was depressed becuase her parents never showed her an affection and her mom tried to kill her. So that must be hard. Well as the days past a couple people kept showing up. two girls left the same day they got there. When I left it there were 3 girls and 2 boys, not counting me. I got attached to Little One and the boy that came in for anger. The other boy was in for suicide, he tried to hang himself, but instead of the rope getting his neck it got him by the arm and he was hanging from the tree yelling and whatnot. And the other girls were in for suicide as well. One was bi, she liked me and both boys like me as well (as inmore than friends kinda like). Well I miss Little One and I said I would visit her at her group homw and we would hang out, she was like a sister to me, I felt the need to protect her. I called her group home and they said I had to contact her case worker in order to be accepted onto her calling list, but I don't have her case worker's number or comtact info, I don't even know her name. That doesn't help, nor do I have Little One's last name. She said she didn't know it. I think she doesn't want anything to do with her parents. She said they were dead to her. I can understand her pain though. Well I am going to try and see if I can contact her. I might just show up at her group home, and see what they say. I mean I'm a kid and they can monitor my visit with her. Right? Well I really miss her and I promised her we would hang out. And I keep my promises, even though it's been forever. I hope she hasn't forgotten me. She probably hasn't so I will go now.

~TCE

Admission

Hello again. After my fiasco-like convo...WHOA! I didn't even finish up telling you what happened with my phone call to the suicide hotline. So the guy finally said that he wanted to sspeak to my mom and then I am like freaking out cuz I didn't want to wake my mom, because I didn't know how she would react. I thought maybe she would be upset. So I am like bawling on the phone and the guy was like I can either give my mom the phone or he will have to send the police out to my house. I did NOT want that to happen, becuase I was absolutely tired of the police. So yeah, it took me forever to give my mom the phone, I just went in the room and woke her up and said the phone was for her. So she talked to him for a few minutes and then hung up and then, she comes in my room and we talk a bit, she asks me what's wrong and whatnot and I tell her, I'm all skeptical becuase I hate it when she uses stuff that I tell her against me when she gets frustrated, so I don't want to tell her anything, although I would like to be able to talk to her without her doing that. She asks me if I wanna go to school that day, but even though I didn't i told her I had to go becuase, I will freak if I don't, my history grade was totally in jeopardy missing a day of class could end up in some mean results. Also I have perfect attendance. So I got to school and I freak during my presentation, but completely glad when it's over. I get home and mom calls while she is on her way to work and says to get dressed. I'm so confused, wondering where could we be going. It's Tuesday ( my bad in the last post I just remembered that it was tuesday not monday, there was no school on monday). So yea, I get ready and we get in the car, I thought we night be going to church cuz we were heading in that direction, but we were in the car for like ever, we were in Atlanta and I'm like where are we going. So we arrive at Riverwoods Psychiatric Hospital. Great Just What I need, to be around other crazy people. How is that supposed to help. I obviously have a problem with other people knowing that I have problems, well not really becuase I am totally letting it out right now to the entire world to read. So well it took us forever to get me in there. And my parents leave me there with absolutely no belongings. That's just great....

~TCE

OH MY EFFING GOSH!

Okay, so I have soooooooo much catching up to do, I don't even know where to begin, okay maybe I do a little...I can't remember my last post thought well I will start off saying, I think since my last post I was admi...Oh wait I don't want to start there. Okay so it was like the weekend and I was supposed to have finished my paper for my World history project, even though I totally explained to my partner that he would write all four pages and I would do an extra page and a half. So He misunderstood and he only did like 2 and half pages. So I am totally pissed becuase it's due the next day and Not only do I have to write these stupid pages, but I have to finish my entire visual. And those pages I was going to write weren't really necassary but the more info the better. I was soooo pissed and had so many panic attacks. I didn't know what to do. Thankfully we were to go on the very last day, and ended up going that next monday. And I was freaking out beacuse I didn't think my visual was all that great. And my partner decides he wants to make som video so we have that and all. And well the day before we had to present it was Sunday, and I was just freaking out, I didn't want to do our presentation and I was just a complete and utterly a stressed out mess. I was just totally through with school, so knowing me, I'm all suicidal at this point I like wanted to kill myself but I was tired so I went to bed, then I woke at 4 am and ate a PB & J sandwhich (I know I'm being really specific, but my LUUURVE details). Then I get the phone and go out on our patio, cuz I'm so paranoid and I think people can hear me and whatnot and a lot of times my mom is quite the light sleeper. So I'm sitting down, indian style, and I call the infamous, jk, 1-800-SUICIDE. I mean this is America, there is a 1 800 number for everything. At this point I wasn't really too suicidal, but I knew that later as my World History class would get closer by the hour, then minutes, then seconds, I would totally want to kill myself regardless if it is at school or not. But at this very moment I'm absolutely terrified. When the guy answers the phone. So they ask me for all my info and then they ask me why I called, so I'm like this is a suicide line, why else do you think I called, I just called for some reassurance or something. I really don't even know why I called, although some might think I called to get out of doing my presentation (totally not the case). Well then they transfer me to someone near where I live and they are talking to me and asking me about if i ever attempted suicude and I'm like yes and if I had a plan, I didn't have plan. So I tell them about how I'm on Zoloft and I see a shrink, although I've missed so many appointments. I really need to get back to them. And for the record, my history of suicude attempts would consist of: cutting on my upper inner thigh (where no one could see, but later moved to myy wrists), I have drunk household cleaners such as amonia (they say I'm lucky to even be alive, althoug you shouldn't say something like that to someone whose goal was to die), and I have overdosed on meds, I've taken on several occasions 6 or 8 (I hate odd numbers, I have OCD) of my prescription ADD meds, and 16 painkillers, and once it was either 8 or 6 painkillers and I used to take meds for sleeping so I took 2 of those and tried to drown myself in the tub, I was already sleepy and I filled the tub first or atleast tried to, but I fell asleep before I even got in the tub (yes you can say I'm an idiot for not taking the pills after getting in the tub, or you can even say that I am anidiot for even trying to commit suicude. I still get suicidal thoughts becuase my mom is really driving me crazy, and I mean it. So I am going to stop with this post and move on to the next one to fill you guys in on the events that I failed to share with you.

~TCE