OH MY EFFING GOSH!

Okay, so I have soooooooo much catching up to do, I don't even know where to begin, okay maybe I do a little...I can't remember my last post thought well I will start off saying, I think since my last post I was admi...Oh wait I don't want to start there. Okay so it was like the weekend and I was supposed to have finished my paper for my World history project, even though I totally explained to my partner that he would write all four pages and I would do an extra page and a half. So He misunderstood and he only did like 2 and half pages. So I am totally pissed becuase it's due the next day and Not only do I have to write these stupid pages, but I have to finish my entire visual. And those pages I was going to write weren't really necassary but the more info the better. I was soooo pissed and had so many panic attacks. I didn't know what to do. Thankfully we were to go on the very last day, and ended up going that next monday. And I was freaking out beacuse I didn't think my visual was all that great. And my partner decides he wants to make som video so we have that and all. And well the day before we had to present it was Sunday, and I was just freaking out, I didn't want to do our presentation and I was just a complete and utterly a stressed out mess. I was just totally through with school, so knowing me, I'm all suicidal at this point I like wanted to kill myself but I was tired so I went to bed, then I woke at 4 am and ate a PB & J sandwhich (I know I'm being really specific, but my LUUURVE details). Then I get the phone and go out on our patio, cuz I'm so paranoid and I think people can hear me and whatnot and a lot of times my mom is quite the light sleeper. So I'm sitting down, indian style, and I call the infamous, jk, 1-800-SUICIDE. I mean this is America, there is a 1 800 number for everything. At this point I wasn't really too suicidal, but I knew that later as my World History class would get closer by the hour, then minutes, then seconds, I would totally want to kill myself regardless if it is at school or not. But at this very moment I'm absolutely terrified. When the guy answers the phone. So they ask me for all my info and then they ask me why I called, so I'm like this is a suicide line, why else do you think I called, I just called for some reassurance or something. I really don't even know why I called, although some might think I called to get out of doing my presentation (totally not the case). Well then they transfer me to someone near where I live and they are talking to me and asking me about if i ever attempted suicude and I'm like yes and if I had a plan, I didn't have plan. So I tell them about how I'm on Zoloft and I see a shrink, although I've missed so many appointments. I really need to get back to them. And for the record, my history of suicude attempts would consist of: cutting on my upper inner thigh (where no one could see, but later moved to myy wrists), I have drunk household cleaners such as amonia (they say I'm lucky to even be alive, althoug you shouldn't say something like that to someone whose goal was to die), and I have overdosed on meds, I've taken on several occasions 6 or 8 (I hate odd numbers, I have OCD) of my prescription ADD meds, and 16 painkillers, and once it was either 8 or 6 painkillers and I used to take meds for sleeping so I took 2 of those and tried to drown myself in the tub, I was already sleepy and I filled the tub first or atleast tried to, but I fell asleep before I even got in the tub (yes you can say I'm an idiot for not taking the pills after getting in the tub, or you can even say that I am anidiot for even trying to commit suicude. I still get suicidal thoughts becuase my mom is really driving me crazy, and I mean it. So I am going to stop with this post and move on to the next one to fill you guys in on the events that I failed to share with you.

~TCE